How to Support Someone with BPD

Kyle Lincoln
Mar 8
8 min read

Tattoo artist with text — Cover for *7 Days Inside: Borderline* "How to Support Someone with BPD"

Episode Summary

Loving and supporting someone with BPD can be challenging, especially when you feel torn between helping and maintaining your own well-being. In this episode, Kyle Lincoln breaks down what effective support looks like—without falling into overfunctioning or burnout. Learn why you can’t “fix” someone else’s BPD, how to set boundaries without guilt, and practical ways to be there for a loved one while still protecting your own mental health. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed in a supportive role, this episode offers clear strategies to help you stay compassionate, balanced, and sustainable in your support.

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Episode transcript

Transcript, Introduction (Part 1)

[Kyle]: Hey everyone, welcome to Episode 6 of 7 Days Inside Borderline! I’m Kyle, your host and a counselor in private practice, here to explore what it really means to support someone with BPD.

[Kellyn]: Hi, I’m Kellyn! I’m excited for this one because support can be tricky, and I know a lot of us want to help but worry about overdoing it or burning out.

[Kyle]: Exactly. We’ll share practical strategies to stay compassionate and balanced—so you can be there for someone you love without sacrificing your own well-being.

[Kellyn]: Let’s dive in! First up, we’ll unpack why we can’t “fix” someone else’s BPD and how that insight actually leads to healthier, more sustainable support.

Transcript, The Limits of “Fixing” Someone Else (Part 2)

[Kyle]: Before we jump in, let’s tackle a crucial point: no matter how much you love someone, you can’t take over their responsibility for managing BPD. Think of a child caring for a parent with BPD—instinctively, we know that’s not the child’s job.

[Kellyn]: Can you say more about why this example is so important? Just to help paint a clearer picture.

[Kyle]: Sure. When a child tries to handle a parent’s emotional highs and lows, it’s obviously unfair. Yet adults often do something similar: we call it overfunctioning. We rush in to fix everything, ignoring the fact that the other person has to do their own inner work.

[Kellyn]: I see. So we’re basically stepping into a role that we wouldn’t dream of assigning to a child.

[Kyle]: Exactly. This also ties into the “push-pull” dynamic common in BPD. One moment, the person wants intense closeness; the next, they push you away. If you overfunction, you lock both of you the person with BPD in a pattern where you’re forever rescuing, and they’re forever needing rescue.

[Kellyn]: So it becomes a fixed pattern—like a loop that’s hard to break?

[Kyle]: Yes, and that loop drains everyone. The person with BPD doesn’t develop their own coping skills, and the supporter feels overwhelmed or resentful. It’s similar to expecting a child to shoulder a parent’s emotional load; it just doesn’t work long-term.

[Kellyn]: Makes sense. Is there a warning sign that shows you’re crossing over from helping to overfunctioning?

[Kyle]: A big sign is if you’re taking on roles you’d never expect a child—or anyone else—to handle. For example, arranging all therapy sessions or feeling guilty if they don’t manage their mood. Over time, that fosters codependency.

[Kellyn]: I guess that would be stressful. Do we just stop helping altogether, then?

[Kyle]: Not at all. Real support means empathy, sharing resources, and consistent boundaries. You’re walking beside them, not carrying them. We’ll get into boundary scripts in the next segment, but the key idea is each person remains responsible for their own emotions.

[Kellyn]: Right. So the parent-child metaphor shows us how unnatural it is for one person to “fix” another’s life.

[Kyle]: Exactly. If it’s clearly wrong for a child to do it, it’s not healthy for adults, either. Once you see that, you can disrupt those push-pull cycles by letting the person with BPD own their recovery.

[Kellyn]: Got it. That’s a strong reminder to avoid becoming the “perpetual rescuer.”

[Kyle]: Precisely. Our next segment will delve into how to balance empathy with boundaries—so you can be supportive without overfunctioning.

Transcript, Practical and Sustainable Support (Part 3)

[Kyle]: Welcome back, everyone. In the last segment, we talked about how it’s unhealthy to take on someone else’s responsibilities, just like a child shouldn’t be responsible for a parent’s well-being. Now, let’s shift to practical, sustainable support strategies that avoid overfunctioning.

[Kellyn]: Yes, please. I’m still learning how to give help that’s truly helpful—without running myself ragged. Sometimes it feels like there’s a fine line between support and burnout.

[Kyle]: Exactly. One concept we can explore is co-regulation—helping someone calm down or think clearly during an emotional storm, without doing all the work for them. You’re a calming presence but not their sole lifeline.

[Kellyn]: Right, so how does co-regulation look in practice? Could you give us an example?

[Kyle]: Sure. Let’s say your friend with BPD is spiraling into anxiety. Co-regulation might be offering a short, calm check-in: “I’m here. I can sit with you for a bit, but let’s also think about what helps you feel safe.” Notice that you invite them to identify a coping strategy—breathing, stepping outside, or texting a professional—rather than taking over.

[Kellyn]: So I’m providing stability—like an anchor—but still pointing them toward their own agency. That’s really different from micromanaging every step.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Another helpful approach is using “Checkpoints” instead of 24/7 support. Instead of saying, “I’ll be here all day,” try, “Let’s check in again at noon, then I’ll call you after work.” That structures support in manageable pieces.

[Kellyn]: That’s smart. It sets a time and place for the next connection. If someone’s in crisis, they know there’s a checkpoint coming up, but they also aren’t relying on me constantly.

[Kyle]: Exactly. And it relieves pressure on you to always be “on call.” Another tip is to incorporate “care-neutral moments.” This is time spent together without focusing on the BPD or emotional crises—like cooking a meal together or watching a funny show. It reinforces that the relationship isn’t only about providing or receiving care.

[Kellyn]: That’s interesting. So we shift the focus to a shared activity—something that doesn’t revolve around managing symptoms. I can see how that can feel refreshing.

[Kyle]: Definitely. It helps both of you remember there’s more to life—and to your bond—than distress or problem-solving. Finally, I’d suggest encouraging self-accountability tools. For instance, help them brainstorm ways to reach out to a counselor or a crisis line if you’re unavailable. That fosters independence.

[Kellyn]: So if they message me in a panic, I might say, “I hear you. How about we use our check-in time at noon, and meanwhile, you can call your therapist or try that breathing app we talked about”?

[Kyle]: Exactly. You’re being supportive—acknowledging the distress—yet you gently redirect them to resources they can use on their own. This approach balances compassion with personal responsibility.

[Kellyn]: I love it. It feels more sustainable than saying, “Call me anytime, day or night,” because that could lead to burnout and resentment.

[Kyle]: Exactly—resentment is often the byproduct of overfunctioning. In our next segment, we’ll look at how to protect your own emotional health—so you can stay supportive without sacrificing your well-being.

[Kellyn]: That sounds great. I can’t wait to learn about self-care and staying grounded. Let’s take a short break, and then we’ll jump right in.

Transcript, Self-Care (Part 4)

[Kyle]: Welcome back for Segment 3. We’ve been talking about healthy support—without overfunctioning—and now it’s time to focus on your well-being if you’re the one offering help. Self-care isn’t optional; it’s essential to keep you steady in the long run.

[Kellyn]: I’m so glad we’re addressing this. I know from personal experience how easy it is to get overwhelmed. Where should we even start with self-care?

[Kyle]: Let’s start by recognizing your own capacity. Ask yourself: “How much emotional bandwidth do I realistically have today?” This might change day-to-day. If you’re already stressed—maybe work was tough—you might need stricter boundaries that evening.

[Kellyn]: That’s an interesting point. So if my bandwidth is low, I might need to say, “I hear you, but I can only talk for 10 minutes right now,” right?

[Kyle]: Exactly. Checking your capacity prevents you from digging into emotional reserves you don’t have. Another tip: create a self-care toolkit—simple things you can do quickly to recharge, like a favorite playlist or a short walk. Keep that on hand when you feel drained.

[Kellyn]: I love that. Sometimes I forget that self-care can be small, immediate things. People often think it’s all weekend retreats or spa days.

[Kyle]: Exactly—small is powerful. Also, consider your support system. You don’t have to carry everything alone. Could you talk to a friend, join a local support group, or schedule a therapy session for yourself? Having multiple outlets means you’re less likely to burn out.

[Kellyn]: That’s great advice. I’ve noticed that when I bottle everything up, I’m more likely to snap or withdraw. Sharing with a trusted friend or therapist helps me stay grounded.

[Kyle]: Exactly—processing your own emotions prevents resentment from building. Another method: keep a “Resentment Radar”. If you sense irritation or dread creeping in, that’s a cue to step back, re-check your boundaries, and do something restorative.

[Kellyn]: I really like that name—“Resentment Radar.” It reminds me to tune into those early warning signs instead of waiting until it’s too late.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Early detection helps you adjust. Also, give yourself permission to step away if a situation feels too overwhelming. You’re not abandoning the person; you’re safeguarding your ability to show up in a healthy way later on.

[Kellyn]: I used to feel guilty about that—like I was failing them. But now I see it as a balance: I can’t help if I’m completely depleted.

[Kyle]: Right. Finally, remember the concept of care-neutral moments we discussed. Schedule time with your loved one that’s purely about enjoyment or relaxation—watch a movie, cook together. This helps you both see each other as more than “supporter” and “someone in crisis.”

[Kellyn]: That’s a great reminder. Relationships shouldn’t revolve solely around problem-solving. Having fun together can recharge everyone’s emotional batteries.

[Kyle]: Exactly. So to recap: know your capacity, build a small self-care toolkit, lean on your own support system, watch your “Resentment Radar,” and allow yourself breaks without guilt. These steps help you stay balanced, which ultimately benefits both you and the person you’re supporting.

[Kellyn]: That’s such a solid framework. Next, we’ll wrap up and share some final thoughts on bringing all these pieces together, right?

Transcript, Wrap-up (Part 5)

[Kyle]: That brings us to the end of Episode 6. We’ve covered why overfunctioning isn’t the answer, how to offer grounded support, and the importance of self-care for the supporter.

[Kellyn]: I feel so much clearer on the difference between caring with someone versus trying to fix everything for them. It’s like we can share empathy and maintain healthy boundaries.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Remember, true support respects each person’s responsibility and capacity. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, step back, recharge, and lean on your own network.

[Kellyn]: Thanks for joining us! We hope these ideas help you build more balanced, uplifting relationships. Stay tuned for our next episode, and take good care of yourselves in the meantime!

Resources for How to Support Someone with BPD

Learn More about Relationships

NEABPD offers Family Connections, a free, evidence-based program for family members and loved ones of individuals with BPD. It teaches skills for effective support, managing emotional stress, and maintaining healthy relationships. This is a 24-hour course that meets weekly for either 8 or 12 weeks and requires 1-2 hours of weekly homework and practice.

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger