Managing Emotions with BPD: Emotional Regulation Strategies & Tools

Kyle Lincoln
Feb 15
10 min read

A sound board with text — Cover for 7 Days Inside BPD: Managing Emotions with BPD

Episode summary

In this episode of 7 Days Inside: Borderline, Kyle Lincoln explores why emotions can feel so overwhelming for individuals with BPD and how to regain control. With insights on affective instability, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance, Kyle breaks down practical strategies like visualization, grounding, and mental vacations to help navigate emotional waves. Instead of viewing emotional intensity as a weakness, Kyle reframes it as a hidden strength, offering ways to channel it into resilience, creativity, and empathy. By the end of this episode, listeners will have tangible tools to regulate emotions and embrace their depth without losing balance.

Listen to this episode

Episode transcript

Transcript, Introduction (Part 1)

[Kyle]: Hello, and welcome back to 7 Days Inside Borderline. I’m Kyle Lincoln, your host and a counselor in private practice in Salem, Massachusetts. In this series, we’re unpacking the realities of BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder, and exploring tools to help manage the challenges that come with it. As always, my co-host Kellyn is here to join the conversation.

[Kellyn]: Hi, everyone. I’m excited for today’s topic because it’s something so many people can relate to—managing intense emotions.

[Kyle]: That’s right. Emotional regulation can be tough for anyone, but it’s especially challenging when you’re navigating BPD. Today, we’ll explore why those emotional waves feel so overwhelming, break down practical tools to bring them under control, and even look at how emotional intensity itself can be reframed as a hidden strength.

[Kellyn]: So, Kyle, where do we start when it comes to understanding emotional regulation in BPD?

[Kyle]: Affective instability is one of the key features of BPD. It describes the rapid and intense mood swings that people with BPD often experience. Imagine your emotions are like a roller coaster, swinging from joy to sadness to anger in just minutes.

[Kellyn]: That sounds exhausting.

[Kyle]: It is. But here’s what makes it even harder—those emotional shifts are often much more intense than what others might experience. It’s like your emotional volume is turned up to max.

[Kellyn]: So it’s not just the ups and downs; these feelings are overwhelming.

[Kyle]: Exactly. And because these emotions come on so strongly and suddenly, it’s often difficult to figure out what triggered them in the first place. That makes it harder to respond in a balanced way. And without the right tools, it can feel like your emotions are controlling you instead of the other way around. But this is where emotional regulation becomes so important—it’s about reclaiming that sense of control.

[Kellyn]: I’m guessing that’s easier said than done?

[Kyle]: Definitely. Emotional regulation requires patience and practice. And for someone with BPD, the stakes can feel even higher because those emotional waves often impact relationships, work, and self-esteem. But let’s change the perspective here a second—what if that emotional intensity wasn’t just a challenge, but also a strength?

Transcript, Reframing emotional intensity as a superpower (Part 2)

[Kyle]: One of the most surprising things about managing emotions is this: Even with therapy, people with BPD often still feel emotions intensely. But here’s the twist—what if that intensity wasn’t something to “fix” but rather a strength to harness?

[Kellyn]: That’s an interesting way to think about it.

[Kyle]: Research shows that people who feel emotions deeply often have incredible strengths. They may be more empathetic, creative, or resilient because they process the world so vividly.

[Kellyn]: Okay, so let’s reframes the narrative—feeling deeply isn’t something to overcome; it’s something to work to your advantage.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Let’s call it a superpower. For instance, someone who experiences joy intensely can light up a room when they’re happy. Or someone who feels sadness deeply might have a remarkable capacity for compassion. It’s all about learning to channel that intensity in ways that serve you and the people around you.

[Kellyn]: I really like that idea. It’s not about suppressing emotions—it’s about embracing and redirecting them.

[Kyle]: When you start to see emotional intensity as a strength, it shifts the way you approach challenges. But recognizing this superpower is just one part of the equation. The next step is figuring out how to work with that intensity—how to channel it and navigate those emotional waves in a way that feels more manageable.

[Kellyn]: So, this is where we dive into strategies?

[Kyle]: Exactly. Let’s talk about strategies you can use to build your distress tolerance, plan ahead for emotional challenges, and even take a moment to recharge when things feel overwhelming.

Transcript, Planning ahead (Part 3)

[Kyle]: One of the best strategies for managing intense emotions is planning ahead. It might seem counterintuitive—after all, you’re not in the moment yet—but thinking through stressful situations before they happen and deciding how you’ll cope can make a huge difference when the time comes.

[Kellyn]: It’s like what athletes do, right? They visualize the game before it even starts.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Athletes imagine the challenges they’ll face and rehearse their moves over and over. By the time they’re in the game, they’re not just physically prepared but also mentally prepared to handle whatever comes their way.

[Kellyn]: So, we can use that same strategy for managing emotions?

[Kyle]: That’s the idea. Think of it as creating your own mental game plan. Let’s try a quick exercise to see how it works.

Picture a specific event coming up in your life that’s making you anxious. It could be anything—a difficult conversation, a big meeting, or even a social gathering. Can you picture it?

Now imagine it in detail. Think about the environment—where are you? Who’s there? What’s your role? How are you feeling in that moment? Now, here’s the important part: bring in your “wise self.” This is the strongest, wisest part of you—the version of you that knows how to stay calm and centered. How would your wise self handle this situation? What would they do differently from how you might typically react?

[Kellyn]: Wow, I can really see how thinking ahead and mentally preparing like that could be so useful to help manage your emotions.

[Kyle]: It’s incredibly helpful. Once you’ve visualized the situation and how your wise self would handle it, take it a step further. Come up with three to five specific things you can do to prepare emotionally. Maybe it’s practicing a grounding technique, creating a self-soothing kit, or even writing down a positive affirmation to remind yourself of your strengths.

[Kellyn]: That makes so much sense. It’s like having a map to guide you instead of driving blindfolded.

[Kyle]: Exactly. And when you’re mentally prepared, you’re not just reacting to emotions—you’re responding to them with intention.

Transcript, Mental vacations (Part 4)

[Kellyn]: Right. And sometimes managing those emotions means taking a step back to recharge. Let’s talk about mental vacations.

[Kyle]: I love this concept. And the best part is, you don’t need to book a flight, pack a suitcase, or even leave your house.

[Kellyn]: That’s what makes it so cool—it’s all in your imagination.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Mental vacations are about creating a calming, peaceful space in your mind where you can take a break from feeling overwhelmed. It’s not about avoiding reality; it’s about giving yourself a moment to breathe and reset so you can come back feeling refreshed.

[Kellyn]: I like that—it’s a quick way to recharge without needing a lot of time or resources.

[Kyle]: Let’s try it together. If you’re in a place where you can safely pause for a moment, take this time to settle in. If you’re not, you can always come back to this part later.

Alright, if you’re ready, find a comfortable position and close your eyes. Picture a place where you feel completely at ease. It might be a beach, a quiet forest, or even a cozy corner of your home.

Now, imagine it in as much detail as you can. What do you see? Is there sunlight filtering through the trees? Waves lapping against the shore? What do you hear—birds chirping, the hum of the ocean, or maybe just peaceful silence?

[Kellyn]: And don’t forget about smells. Can you imagine the salty ocean air or the scent of pine trees?

[Kyle]: Let yourself be fully in that place. Notice how your body feels as you relax. Take a few slow, deep breaths, letting yourself settle into the calm of your mental vacation.

[Kellyn]: It’s amazing how even just imagining this can make you feel more grounded.

[Kyle]: Welcome back. Hopefully, that little mental getaway gave you a chance to reset and recharge.

[Kellyn]: This is a nice reminder that self-care doesn’t have to be complicated. Even a quick moment like that can shift your perspective and help you manage those tough emotions.

[Kyle]: And the more you practice, the easier it gets to slip into that calm space when you need it. Think of it as a tool you can carry with you anywhere.

Transcript, Grounding exercise (Part 5)

[Kyle]: Grounding is one of my favorite tools because it’s so flexible—you don’t need a quiet room or a perfect setup to use it. You can ground yourself anywhere, whether you’re standing in line, sitting at your desk, or just going about your day. Let’s try it together right now.

Wherever you are, just take a moment to notice your breath. You don’t need to change it—just notice it. As you breathe in, feel the coolness of the air entering your nose. And as you breathe out, notice the warmth as the air leaves your body.

Now, let’s bring attention to your feet. Can you feel the ground beneath you? Maybe it’s the pressure of your feet on the floor, or the texture of your shoes, or even just a sense of being rooted. Wiggle your toes and notice as each one touches the bottom of your shoe.

[Kellyn]: I can feel that right now—just noticing the weight of my feet is so grounding.

[Kyle]: Next, slowly shift your focus upward to your legs. Feel how they’re resting—against a chair, the floor, or even just holding you steady. Notice any sensations, like pressure or warmth.

Now bring your attention to your hands. Are they resting in your lap, holding something, or hanging by your sides? Notice their weight, the temperature, or even the texture of what they’re touching.

Finally, bring your focus to your face and head. Notice how your jaw feels—maybe let it relax a bit. Feel the air on your skin or even the subtle sensations in your scalp.

Take one more deep breath in, and as you exhale, imagine any tension or stress leaving your body. Let it float away, like steam rising into the air.

[Kellyn]: That was incredible. I didn’t need to be anywhere special, but I feel so much more present and calm.

[Kyle]: That’s the beauty of grounding—it’s always available, no matter where you are or what’s going on. The more you practice it, the easier it becomes to use when emotions start to feel overwhelming.

[Kellyn]: It’s such a powerful reminder that even when things feel out of control, we have ways to bring ourselves back.

Transcript, Helping others (Part 6)

[Kyle]: A final tool I’ll mention for managing intense emotions might surprise you—helping others. It’s not something we immediately think of when it comes to emotional regulation, but it can be incredibly powerful.

[Kellyn]: That’s interesting. How does it help?

[Kyle]: When we’re stuck in our own emotions—especially when they’re overwhelming—it’s easy to spiral. Focusing on helping someone else can pull us out of that loop and give us a sense of purpose and connection.

[Kellyn]: So, it’s a way to redirect that intensity into something positive?

[Kyle]: Exactly. And it ties into what we talked about earlier—superpowers. People with BPD often have a heightened ability to empathize or connect with others because they feel so deeply. Acts of service allow you to channel that strength in a way that’s not only helpful to others but also calming and grounding for yourself.

[Kellyn]: That makes so much sense. But when someone’s feeling emotionally overwhelmed, it might be hard to even think about helping others. Where’s a good place to start?

[Kyle]: Start small. Helping doesn’t have to mean a huge gesture. It could be as simple as holding a door open, sending a kind message to a friend, or listening attentively when someone needs to talk. Even these small acts can shift your focus and boost your mood.

[Kellyn]: I love that. And it feels doable—like anyone could find a way to help in their own way.

[Kyle]: Exactly. If you’re passionate about something—like animals or social causes—you could also volunteer or get involved in a way that feels meaningful to you. But the beauty of this tool is that it works even in the smallest, most everyday moments.

[Kellyn]: So, helping others isn’t just about making their day better—it’s a way to regulate our own emotions, too.

[Kyle]: Absolutely. It’s all about turning outward when the emotions inside feel overwhelming.

[Kyle]: As we wrap up this episode, I want to leave you with this: [Kyle]: Emotional regulation is not about avoiding strong feelings—it is about learning to work with them. Simple tools like grounding, taking a mental break, or channeling your energy can help you manage emotions with more balance.

[Kellyn]: That’s such a helpful perspective. These are practical tools anyone can try.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Today, we talked about managing BPD challenges and finding strengths like empathy and resilience. Progress happens one step at a time. This week, try one tool from our discussion. Ground yourself, imagine your “wise self,” or do something kind for someone else. Even a small step can make a difference.

[Kellyn]: That’s a great way to start—small, simple steps that build over time.

[Kyle]: Growth takes time, but you are not alone. The tools we share are here to support you. Next episode, we’ll talk about suicide and self-harm. These are hard but vital topics. We’ll focus on understanding these struggles and finding ways to create safety and hope.

[Kellyn]: That’s going to be an important conversation. Thanks for being here, and we’ll see you next time.

[Kyle]: Take care, and see you in Episode 4.

Resources for emotional regulation

Book on emotional regulation

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay PhD

Apps for emotional regulation

Simple DBT Skills Diary Card	This app is highly rated for its user-friendly features. It includes a daily log with 28 DBT skills, complete with descriptions and examples to guide your practice. You can set notifications as reminders to work on your skills and fill out your daily diary card. The app also allows you to email your diary cards and connect with your therapist for better communication.
Calm	As the top app for sleep, meditation, and relaxation, Calm has been downloaded over 100 million times and has more than 1.5 million 5-star reviews. It has received numerous accolades, including Apple’s App of the Year (2017) and Google Play Editor’s Choice (2018). Calm offers a range of mindfulness tools to help you relax and improve your well-being.
DBT Coach	Practice and learn DBT skills through engaging video lessons and animations designed to enhance retention. With over 100 videos and 200+ animations, the app makes learning enjoyable. You can take notes on lessons for future reference, use a diary card to track your skills and target behaviors, and monitor your progress to stay motivated as you build new skills.