Love, Fear, and Boundaries: Navigating Relationships with Borderline Personality Disorder

Kyle Lincoln
Feb 8
10 min read

Cover art for the podcast 7 Days Inside BPD, featuring bold text over a colorful background. The podcast explores Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) through real experiences and expert insights. — Cover for *7 Days Inside* BPD: Navigating Relationships with BPD

Episode Summary

In this episode of 7 Days Inside: Borderline, Kyle Lincoln explores why relationships can feel so intense and unpredictable for individuals with BPD. He explains how struggles with identity, emotional intensity, and fear of abandonment shape relational patterns, making stability difficult to maintain. Using the metaphor of a “solid, flexible self,” Kyle and Kellyn break down key challenges like splitting, boundary difficulties, and the push-pull dynamic that can create turbulence in relationships. Through practical strategies—mindfulness, reflective listening, and boundary-setting—Kyle offers tools to help listeners stay grounded in their relationships without losing themselves. By the end of this episode, listeners will have a clearer understanding of how to build healthier, more stable connections while strengthening their sense of self.

Listen to this Episode

Episode transcript

Transcript, Introduction (Part 1)

[Kyle]: Hello, and welcome back to 7 Days Inside: Borderline. I’m Kyle Lincoln, your host and a counselor in private practice based in Salem, Massachusetts. This podcast is about exploring the challenges of living with Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, and offering practical tools to help navigate those challenges. Joining me again is Kellyn, who works behind the scenes at the practice and will help guide these conversations.

[Kellyn]: Hi, everyone! It’s great to be back. Today’s topic is a big one—romantic relationships. They’re already complex for anyone, but when BPD is part of the mix, they can feel especially intense.[Kyle]: That’s exactly right. Relationships bring out some of life’s greatest joys, but they can also amplify our biggest challenges. For someone navigating BPD, maintaining balance in a relationship can feel like a constant struggle—not because of a lack of effort, but because of how deeply emotions and fears are tied to connection.

[Kellyn]: So, where do we even start with something so big?

[Kyle]: Let’s start by thinking about the concept of the solid, flexible self. Imagine your sense of self as a tree—strongly rooted in the ground, but flexible enough to sway with the wind. When the winds of life—things like conflict, uncertainty, or even just a partner’s offhand comment—start blowing, someone with BPD might feel uprooted rather than simply bending with the breeze. It can feel like their whole sense of self is tied to the immediate situation, leading to emotional reactions that are intense and overwhelming.

[Kellyn]: That makes so much sense. So, it’s not just about the relationship—it’s about feeling grounded in yourself.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Without that grounding, it’s easy to lose sight of who you are in the moment. The goal isn’t to stop the wind or suppress emotional intensity but to strengthen those roots and learn how to move with the breeze without being knocked over. That’s what today’s episode is about: exploring the patterns that can make relationships feel unstable and, more importantly, the tools that can help build a stronger, more grounded sense of self.

[Kellyn]: I love that. So, whether you’re navigating BPD yourself or supporting a partner who has BPD, this episode is for you.

[Kyle]: Absolutely. Let’s dive in.

Transcript, Understanding Relationship Challenges (Part 2)

[Kyle]: Let’s start by unpacking the unique relational challenges that can come with BPD. Relationships are complicated for anyone, but when you’re navigating BPD, it can feel like you’re being pulled in so many directions at once. And at the core of this experience is often the struggle to maintain a solid, flexible self.

[Kellyn]: Right. And just to remind everyone, the solid, flexible self is that balance between being grounded in who you are and being able to adapt to the dynamics of a relationship—like a tree that’s firmly rooted but still moves with the wind.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Now, here’s where the challenge comes in: for someone with BPD, those roots can feel fragile. Intense emotions and fears—like the fear of abandonment—can shake your sense of self, making it hard to feel grounded. For instance, if a partner doesn’t text back quickly, it might not just feel disappointing—it can feel like the whole relationship is at risk. That fear can lead to testing behaviors or even pushing your partner away, even though deep down, you’re trying to keep them close.

[Kellyn]: That must be exhausting. It’s like trying to hold on to someone while also pushing them away.

[Kyle]: It really is. And another challenge is what we call splitting. This is when your perception of someone swings between extremes—idealizing them one moment and devaluing them the next. So, if your partner makes a mistake or doesn’t meet an expectation, it can feel like they’ve gone from perfect to terrible in an instant. This kind of all-or-nothing thinking creates a lot of instability in the relationship and makes it hard to find that middle ground where both people can just be human.

[Kellyn]: Right, because real relationships are all about that middle ground—no one’s perfect but people still need to show up for each other.

[Kyle]: Exactly. And the third major challenge is with boundaries. For someone with BPD, it can be hard to define where you end and the other person begins. This can lead to two extremes: either completely merging with your partner, which might look like losing your own identity, or pushing them away in an attempt to regain some sense of control. Neither of these patterns supports a healthy connection, and both leave you feeling disconnected from that solid, flexible self.

[Kellyn]: So, if someone’s constantly swinging between these extremes—fear, splitting, boundary issues—what does that do to the relationship?

[Kyle]: It creates a lot of turbulence, for both people. But it’s important to remember

that these patterns aren’t fixed. They’re reflections of internal struggles—conflicts about control, competence, and connection that get externalized in the relationship. The good news is that by working on those inner conflicts, you can start to interrupt these patterns.

[Kellyn]: That’s so hopeful. It sounds like the first step is really understanding these patterns and where they come from.

[Kyle]: Absolutely. Once you recognize these patterns, you can start to rebuild that sense of self—not as something rigid, but as something solid and flexible. And in the next segment, we’ll talk about practical tools for doing just that.

Transcript, Tools for Building a "Solid, Flexible Self" (Part 3)

[Kyle]: Now that we’ve unpacked some of the challenges, let’s talk about tools—tools that help you strengthen your “solid, flexible self.” A solid, flexible self is about finding that balance. It means being stable enough to stay true to yourself but flexible enough to navigate the ups and downs of relationships without losing your footing. Let’s dive into three key tools that can help you cultivate this balance: mindfulness, reflective listening, and boundary setting.

[Kellyn]: Great! Let’s get started.

[Kyle]: Let’s start with mindfulness. Mindfulness is like the roots of the tree—it grounds you. It’s about being present in the moment, noticing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Instead of reacting impulsively to a situation or emotion, mindfulness helps you pause, take a breath, and respond with intention.

[Kellyn]: That sounds amazing, but it can also feel a little abstract. How do you actually practice mindfulness?

[Kyle]: That’s a great point. Let’s try a simple exercise. If you’re listening and it’s safe to do so, join us.

Take a deep breath in and notice how it feels—cool air entering your nose, your chest rising. Hold it for a moment, then slowly exhale, feeling the warmth of the air leaving your body. Let’s do that again, and this time, pay attention to how your body feels as you breathe—your shoulders, your chest, your stomach.

[Kellyn]: That already feels calming, even in just a few seconds.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Mindfulness doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s about creating a moment of stillness where you can check in with yourself. Over time, this practice helps you stay connected to your solid, flexible self—even when emotions run high.

[Kellyn]: I see, so mindfulness is like grounding yourself in the present moment. That’s a great start. What’s the next tool?

[Kyle]: The next tool is reflective listening. This one’s about how you engage with others while staying true to yourself. Reflective listening is like the branches of the tree—they’re flexible, reaching out to connect, but they don’t lose their connection to the trunk.

[Kellyn]: I love that image. So how does reflective listening work in practice?

[Kyle]: It starts with really hearing what the other person is saying—not just their words, but the emotions behind them. Then, you reflect it back in a way that shows you understand. For example, if your partner says, “I feel like you’re always busy and don’t have time for me,” you might respond, “It sounds like you’re feeling hurt and maybe a little lonely because I’ve been so busy lately. Is that right?”

[Kellyn]: That’s so validating. It’s like you’re saying, “I hear you, and I care.”

[Kyle]: Exactly. Reflective listening creates a sense of connection and reduces misunderstandings. But here’s the key: it also helps you maintain your sense of self. You’re acknowledging the other person’s feelings without taking them on as your own or reacting defensively.

[Kellyn]: That’s such an important point. Reflective listening isn’t about losing yourself in someone else’s emotions—it’s about connecting without compromising your stability.

[Kyle]: Right. And the final tool we’ll talk about today is boundary setting. If mindfulness is the roots and reflective listening is the branches, boundaries are like the bark of the tree—they protect you.

[Kellyn]: I really like that. But boundaries can feel tricky, especially if you’re worried about damaging a relationship. How do you set them without pushing people away?

[Kyle]: The key is to remember that boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about taking care of yourself. For example, instead of saying, “You can’t go out with your friends,” you might say, “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you all evening. Could we agree to check in a couple of times when you’re out?”

[Kellyn]: That feels so much more collaborative. It’s about finding a solution that works for both people.

[Kyle]: Exactly. Setting boundaries isn’t about avoiding conflict; it’s about creating clarity and respect. When you honor your own needs and limits, you strengthen your ability to show up authentically in relationships.

[Kellyn]: Boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re a way to nurture both yourself and the relationship.

[Kyle]: Perfectly said. And coming up next, we’ll walk through a practical exercise to help you start identifying and honoring your own needs and limits in a relationship.

Transcript, A Practical Exercise (Part 4)

[Kyle]: One of the keys to developing a solid, flexible self is learning to honor your own needs and limits within relationships. It’s like strengthening the roots of that tree we talked about earlier—keeping you grounded, even when the winds of a relationship get strong. Let’s do a quick exercise to practice this.

[Kellyn]: That sounds great. Where do we start?

[Kyle]: Start by grabbing a piece of paper or opening the notes app on your phone. We’re going to identify two key things: one need and one limit that are important to you in your relationships.

Step 1: Identify a Personal Need

[Kyle]: First, think about at least one need that feels essential for you in a relationship. This could be emotional, like feeling heard when you’re upset, or practical, like having time for yourself to recharge. Write it down as a clear, specific statement, like, “I need my partner to check in with me when plans change,” or, “I need space to decompress after work before talking about big topics.”

[Kellyn]: The more specific you are, the better. The statement should be actionable. Communicate your need clearly.

Feel free to pause this episode to really consider what your primary need is.

Step 2: Identify a Limit

[Kyle]: Next, think about at least one limit—or boundary—that protects your emotional well-being. A limit might sound like, “I can’t engage in conversations when I’m feeling overwhelmed,” or, “I can’t respond to texts immediately during work hours.” Again, make it clear and specific. Pause if you need to.

Step 3: Reflect on Why These Matter

[Kyle]: Take a moment to reflect on why these needs and limits are important to you. How do they keep you rooted and grounded? For example, you might realize that honoring your need for space helps you show up more fully in your relationship or that setting a limit on certain conversations prevents miscommunication when you’re stressed.

Step 4: Practice Communicating One of These

[Kyle]: Finally, let’s imagine how you might share one of these with your partner in a calm, grounded way. For example, instead of saying, “You never give me space when I need it,” you could say, “When I come home from work, I really need 20 minutes to decompress so I can be fully present when we talk.”

[Kellyn]: Communication really is key here. You’re stating what you need without blaming or putting it on the other person.

[Kyle]: Exactly. The goal is to communicate with both clarity and kindness—firm roots, but flexible branches. Over time, practicing this kind of self-advocacy strengthens your ability to stay grounded while maintaining connection.

Challenge for the Week

[Kyle]: Here’s your challenge: Choose one of your needs or limits, and find an opportunity to practice communicating it to your partner this week. Notice how it feels to honor that part of yourself and how it impacts your relationship dynamic.

[Kellyn]: That’s such a practical and empowering exercise. It gives you a way to start building that solid, flexible self right away.

[Kyle]: Absolutely. These small steps add up over time, helping you create relationships that feel more stable and fulfilling.

Transcript, Wrap-up (Part 5)

[Kyle]: And that’s a wrap for today’s episode. Relationships can be some of the most rewarding yet challenging parts of life, especially when navigating the complexities of BPD. But as we’ve explored, focusing on building a solid, flexible self is a game-changer. By practicing mindfulness, engaging in reflective listening, and setting clear boundaries, you’re not just improving your relationships—you’re strengthening your sense of self.

[Kellyn]: I loved how today’s discussion wasn’t about perfection, but about small, intentional steps. Whether it’s pausing to ground yourself, listening to your partner with empathy, or standing firm in your boundaries, these are tools that anyone can use to create healthier, more connected relationships.

[Kyle]: And remember, these are practices, not quick fixes. They take time, but each step forward builds toward more stability, connection, and self-awareness. As we move through this series, you’ll see how these tools are part of a larger journey—one that isn’t about fixing who you are, but about embracing your strengths and navigating challenges with resilience.

[Kellyn]: So, what’s next on the agenda for this series?

[Kyle]: Next time, we’re diving into emotional regulation—arguably one of the toughest aspects of BPD, but also one of the most transformative. We’ll explore why those emotional waves feel so overwhelming and introduce tools to help you not only manage them but also see their intensity as a potential strength.

[Kellyn]: I’m so excited for that. If today’s focus was on building stable, fulfilling relationships, then next week is all about finding stability within yourself.

[Kyle]: Exactly. So until next time, take care of yourself, practice honoring your needs and limits, and remember—growth is always possible. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you in Episode 3.

[Kellyn]: See you then!

Resources for Navigating Relationships with Borderline Personality Disorder

Learn More about Relationships

To read more about the "Solid Flexible Self," Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship by David Schnarch

YouTube video of Dr. Diane Poole Heller on Healing Attachment Wounds

DBT Skills

"DEAR MAN" Skill – Helps assert needs and set boundaries without damaging relationships.

"GIVE" Skill – Strengthens relationships through validation and communication skills that reduce emotional reactivity.

"FAST" Skill – Focuses on self-respect in relationships, reinforcing the solid, flexible self concept by helping individuals maintain boundaries without guilt.

Boundary Building Skill