How do I Stay Safe During EMDR Memory Work?

Kyle Lincoln
Oct 5
12 min read

A shadow of a window, overlaid with a large “7” and the words “Days Inside… EMDR.” — Cover for *7 Days Inside: EMDR* "How do I Stay Safe During Memory Work?"

Episode Summary

What does it really mean to stay safe during trauma work? In this episode of 7 Days Inside: EMDR, counselor Kyle Lincoln, based in Salem, Massachusetts, takes listeners into the heart of the question that matters most before memory reprocessing begins—how to stay grounded, secure, and in control while facing difficult memories.

Together with Kellyn, Kyle explores three built-in safeguards that make EMDR a structured and safe therapy: preparation, screening, and closure. You’ll learn how preparation equips you with skills before memory work even starts, how screening ensures the process matches your stability, and why closure is a non-negotiable part of every session. The episode also unpacks the “Window of Tolerance,” a simple but powerful model that explains why emotional regulation—not avoidance—is the foundation of healing.

Listeners are guided through a hands-on skill called The Breathing Shift, a gentle practice that helps the body return to calm when stress begins to rise. The episode’s warmth and clarity remind us that safety isn’t just about what happens in a therapy office—it’s a skill we can build and practice in daily life.

Disclaimer: The content shared in this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and does not replace professional EMDR training, certification, or therapy. For official training or resources, please visit EMDRIA.org.

Listen to this Episode

Episode Transcript

Transcript, Introduction (Part 1)

[Kyle]: Hi, everyone, and welcome back to 7 Days Inside: EMDR. I’m Kyle Lincoln, a mental health counselor and EMDR practitioner here in Salem, Massachusetts.

[Kellyn]: And I’m Kellyn. I work with Kyle at his practice. Great to be back with you all.

[Kyle]: Today, we're tackling what is arguably the most important topic in this entire series: safety. Here’s my take: I think we need to have a very honest conversation about the real fears people have when they approach working on their trauma.

[Kellyn]: Right, it’s one thing to talk about safety as a concept, but it’s another to speak directly to that fear people might have when re-opening their trauma. I’ve heard that trauma work can stir things up and potentially make someone feel worse. Is that true?

[Kyle]: That's a valid concern, and yes things can get worse especially initially, and that’s why it’s worth a whole episode. In Segment One, we're going to address questions about safety head-on: What happens if you're triggered between sessions? Why do you need new kinds of coping skills when you've been coping your whole life? And what are the non-negotiable responsibilities a therapist has to keep the process safe and tailored to you? After that, our Essential Concept will be the Window of Tolerance, which is the foundational model that helps us understand and navigate our emotional states. And our practice exercise will be the Breathing Shift.

[Kellyn]: Okay. Nice. A clear map for a tough but necessary topic. Let's get into it.

Transcript, A New Client Orientation (Part 2)

[Kyle]: An important question we have to ask in trauma work is whether we are ready to face whatever comes up. If it’s your trauma, maybe you’re asking "How do I stay safe when I start reprocessing my memories?"

[Kellyn]: Before we jump into answering this question, I want to make sure I know exactly what you mean by “staying safe”; right now, it feels a little vague.

[Kyle]: That's a good question, and you're right to ask it so directly at the front of this segment. When we use the word "safety" in EMDR, it can mean something different than what the average person might hear. For many people, hearing "safety" immediately brings to mind the most serious risks, like suicide, fire setting, running away, having a manic episode, drunk driving. And while preventing any kind of serious harm is the absolute, non-negotiable bottom line, the way we achieve that in EMDR is by focusing on the safety of the process itself. So, when I talk about safety, I'm referring to clinical procedures and guardrails designed to keep the work from becoming overwhelming or, in a word, retraumatizing.

[Kellyn]: Okay, so how do therapists and counselors make sure that doing EMDR isn’t retraumatizing?

[Kyle]: We ensure safety through three foundational pillars that are built into the therapy itself: thorough preparation, careful screening, and proper closure. The first pillar is that we practice skills before we ever start the memory work. The second means that we complete a mandatory screening initially and throughout. The third means you are always in control of the pace and can stop at any time, and it's my job to match the therapy to your level of stability especially towards the end of sessions.

[Kellyn]: Oh, so the first pillar is about resources, like what this whole series is about? Isn’t that what Phase 2 is in EMDR?

[Kyle]: Exactly. Before we approach any difficult memory, we spend as much time as needed teaching and practicing specific skills to make sure you can manage emotional distress. This always includes foundational techniques like diaphragmatic breathing or developing a personalized Safe or Calm State you can go to in your mind. We don't move forward until we are both confident that you have a reliable toolkit to keep you grounded.

[Kellyn]: So you're packing the safety equipment before the journey even begins. So, it's not just "here are some skills, good luck."

[Kyle]: No, it's "let's build and practice these together until we're both sure you're ready." Prior to a therapy like EMDR, almost always, people learn to cope in ways that manage, avoid, or wall off pain in order to function and survive. These aren’t the kinds of tools that EMDR uses or teaches. For some people, this therapy, for the first time, asks them to do the opposite: to turn and face the memory, in a controlled and safe way, so that it can actually heal. That requires different kinds of tools—not for avoiding, but for staying present, and for living through pain.

[Kellyn]: Interesting. What's the second pillar?

[Kyle]: The second pillar is careful and continuous screening for vulnerabilities. A therapist has a responsibility to conduct a thorough history to identify factors that might make the process riskier. We assess for current life crises, lack of social support, and especially for the presence of a dissociative disorder, which requires a much slower, more specialized approach. This screening ensures the therapy is tailored specifically to your needs and stability.

[Kellyn]: That makes sense. It's not a one-size-fits-all process. So you prepare, and you screen. What’s the third pillar?

[Kyle]: The third pillar is using formal closure at the end of every single session. Because memory work can stir things up, it's a non-negotiable rule in EMDR that you don't leave the office in a highly activated state. We use those same skills we practiced in preparation, like returning to your Calm Safe State, to make sure you feel back in equilibrium before you walk out the door. This is especially important if a memory isn't fully processed, because it helps contain the material and manage any emotional carryover until we meet again.

[Kellyn]: Great. So, can we talk about the fear of things getting worse? Is that what happens when this preparation phase is rushed?

[Kyle]: In my experience, things can get worse when a therapist opens the door to a trauma before the client has a solid plan for the activation that comes up between sessions. My DBT thinking would say, we have to be realistic: it will happen. Triggers are part of the experience of people with trauma, so, let’s plan for it.

Transcript, Essential Concept, Window of Tolerance (Part 3)

[Kyle]: As a reminder, every episode highlights one essential idea in EMDR. This is like EMDR Duolingo. And ultimately, it helps you prepare for EMDR reprocessing so you and your counselor are speaking the same language. The essential concept for today is called the Window of Tolerance. This simply refers to your ability to stay present and emotionally regulated.

[Kellyn]: You won’t be testing me like the Duolingo Owl after this, right?

[Kyle]: Would it put you outside of your Window of Tolerance if I did?

[Kellyn]: Absolutely. But wait, let's get into that, so I can ace my test, what is the Window of Tolerance?

[Kyle]: Okay, so this concept is crucial in EMDR, especially before we start reprocessing, because it tells us whether your nervous system is in a place where healing work can happen.

[Kellyn]: Okay, so when you say “window,” do you mean like a time window? Like a good moment to do the work?

[Kyle]: Good question. Here's the image I want you to picture: you are driving down a highway.

[Kellyn]: Okay, road trip. I’m in.

[Kyle]: When you’re driving, the metaphor here for processing trauma,the goal is to stay in your lane—because that lane is where healing happens. The driving lane is where your brain stays present, alert, and flexible enough to process things and make sense of them. That is your Window of Tolerance. If you can stay there, the car keeps moving forward.

[Kellyn]: So what’s outside the lane?

[Kyle]: Like a window, or a range, there are two sides to avoid. If you drift too far to the right, you hit the breakdown lane—the technical word here is hypoarousal. This word describes dissociation, where you feel numb or disconnected, or like you are not really there anymore, foggy, where your engine is kind of shut off.

Now on the other side—too far to the left—you are bouncing into bumpy terrain. We call this hyperarousal. This word describes emotional dysregulation. Think panic, rage, overwhelm racing thoughts. It is like the car’s going too fast, the road is shaking—you feel out of control.

[Kellyn]: Speaking from personal experience, neither of those are great places to be.

[Kyle]: No—and you cannot really process anything from either side of the highway. You don’t really get anywhere productive. Your brain is not in learning mode anymore. It is in survival mode. EMDR only works when you are in the driving lane. That is why Phase 2—before we even touch the tough stuff—is all about learning how to steer, you know, how to stay in the lane.

[Kellyn]: Okay, so everybody processes things at their own speed. But, there are these extremes that you want to avoid?

[Kyle]: Yes, in this case, your window of tolerance is like the optimal zone for working through trauma.

[Kellyn]: And what exactly are you tolerating?

[Kyle]: You are tolerating emotions—especially emotions that used to overwhelm you. Emotions will come up when you remember traumatic things, but processing requires you to be grounded enough to sit with them. You are learning to stay with memories without getting pulled off the road.

The window of tolerance guides the pace of therapy, but it is a principle that can be applied to everyday life too. Let me give you an example.

[Kellyn]: Please do—my Duolingo test prep depends on it.

[Kyle]: Let’s say you are in a tough conversation with your grandson. Maybe he says something that stings. If you are in your window, you might feel the hurt, take a breath, and respond in a way that keeps the conversation going. You are aware, you are present—you are still in your lane.

[Kellyn]: Okay, so staying in the lane doesn’t mean you feel nothing. It just means you're not losing control?

[Kyle]: Right. But let’s say you drift out of your window. If you veer right into hypoarousal, you might suddenly go quiet, stop making eye contact—the conversation shuts down. If you veer left into hyperarousal, you might snap, raise your voice, or get flooded with anxiety. Either way, the connection breaks down.

[Kellyn]: But if you can catch yourself drifting, and steer back in…

[Kyle]: Then you stay present. And that is a necessary condition for EMDR reprocessing to work—being able to stay with a memory or a feeling long enough for your brain to actually work with it instead of getting thrown off course. Whether it is in therapy or everyday life, your Window of Tolerance is the zone where growth happens.

[Kellyn]: Does a person’s window of tolerance change, like can it get bigger with the help of EMDR?

[Kyle]: That is common actually and usually one of the goals in most therapies. The lane can widen and has to be driveable to even start Phase 3 of EMDR. With practice doing things like grounding and deep breathing, state shifting or relaxation techniques, you get better at spotting when you are veering and gently guiding yourself back to the driving lane.

[Kellyn]: Oh and that is why in every episode we learn a new calming exercise? Because those can widen our window of tolerance? That makes me want to pay more attention to how I drive—emotionally speaking.

[Kyle]: Yes—and every time you stay in the lane a little longer, you are teaching your nervous system something new. That you can feel hard things and keep going. And every time we practice it—whether in therapy or in traffic—we’re training our brain to stay on the road.

Transcript, Skill-Building Exercise, Breathing Shift (Part 4)

[Kellyn]: Time for this week’s skill. What are we learning today?

[Kyle]: Today’s practice is called the Breathing Shift. It builds on something we tried earlier in the series—diaphragmatic breathing. In that one, we focused on counting, posture, and really training the body to relax.

Breathing Shift is about shifting. It’s a way to help your body become more grounded and present—especially if you’re feeling mildly off or carrying tension. Like the other skills in this series, it’s not about pushing feelings away. It’s about shifting your focus from affect—emotional overwhelm—into something more sensory, perceptual, and intentional.

[Kellyn]: So kind of like helping your body remember that it’s safe now?

[Kyle]: Exactly, this exercise is one way to help the nervous system get there.

Let’s try it.

If you’re listening and able, go ahead and settle into your seat. Just let your hands rest wherever they fall naturally.

Start by bringing to mind a memory that feels good. Something warm, positive, or safe. It does not have to be big—just a moment that carries a little spark of peace, gratitude, or connection.

What comes to mind?

[Kellyn]: It can be anything?

[Kyle]: Yes.

[Kellyn]: Maybe a hot meal, shared with people.

Now notice where your breath seems to start when you picture that memory. Don’t change anything—just observe. Is it your chest? Your belly? Your throat?

Wherever you feel it starting, place one hand gently over that spot. Let your breath move naturally, and just feel the movement under your hand for a few moments.

Now we’ll make a shift. Bring up a memory that carries a low level of disturbance. Nothing major—just a mildly unpleasant or unsettled moment. Something you would rate a one or two out of ten.

[Kellyn]: A paper test. A math test to be specific. If you put an algebra test in front of me, I’ll cry.

[Kyle]: Okay, now as you picture that, notice where your breath shifts to. It may move higher in your body, or tighten a little. Place your hand on this new location.

[Kyle]: Now let’s go back. Move your hand to the first spot—the one connected to your positive memory. And as you do, intentionally breathe the way you were breathing then. Let that pattern return.

Notice how your body responds as you breathe this way again. Often, this deliberate return to the calm breath helps the disturbance begin to fade.

Take one more breath in…

and out…

[Kellyn]: That skill was pretty cool. I could feel the difference in where I was breathing, even before I changed it. And when I went back to the first place—it actually helped.

[Kyle]: That’s actually the heart of it—we’re teaching the body how to shift. And more importantly, we’re anchoring that shift in something the client generates themselves. That makes it portable.

[Kellyn]: I liked how interactive that one was.

[Kyle]: This is a great skill to practice when you feel mildly unsettled—or even just disconnected. Listeners, try it a few times this week. The more your body learns that shift, the more easily it can access it when you need it.

Transcript, Wrap-up (Part 5)

[Kellyn]: Thinking about this work in terms of the "Window of Tolerance" makes it feel so much more manageable. It’s not about being fearless; it's about having a map and knowing how to steer yourself back to safety.

[Kyle]: That’s the perfect takeaway. Safety is a skill you build, not a feeling you wait for. Recognizing when you’re drifting and having a tool like the Breathing Shift to gently guide yourself back is the heart of this preparation phase.

[Kellyn]: It makes the idea of reprocessing feel less like jumping into the deep end and more like a carefully paced, supported process.

[Kyle]: Exactly. And once you trust that you can stay safe during the work, it allows us to look ahead to the reason we do it in the first place. That brings us to our final episode next week.

[Kellyn]: The big question!

[Kyle]: The big question: What happens after EMDR ends? We’ll talk about post-traumatic growth, resilience, and what life can look like when the past no longer has a hold on your present.

[Kellyn]: I can't wait. Thanks for joining us today on 7 Days Inside: EMDR.

[Kyle]: We’ll see you next week for our final episode.

Resources for How do I Stay Safe During EMDR Memory Work?

EMDR Preparation Skills Checklist. I designed this checklist is a tool to help you practice and master the grounding and resourcing skills that form the foundation of EMDR therapy. Consistent practice helps these skills become second nature, allowing you to access them whenever you need to feel more stable and calm. Use this log to track your practice and make notes to discuss with your therapist.

Breathing Shift — EMDR Preparation Worksheet. Downloadable worksheets for practicing grounding and mindful breathing—perfect companions to the Breathing Shift exercise introduced in this episode.